By: Bryan Sutherland

vampire-bite

Do you like staying up late and have a taste for blood? Would you enjoy an eternal existence in the shadows? Then maybe you should join the legion of undead and become a vampire. If you happen to know other vampires already – just keep your neck clean and you’re bound to get bitten, thus transforming you forever. But it takes more than a set of fangs to fulfil the role so we have prepared a few tips to help you channel your inner bloodsucker.

Your first step is to locate some authentic vampires as there are many stereotypical “spooky” locations to cross off your list, like old cemeteries and haunted mansions. Just because vampires are referred to as the undead does not mean they hang around dead locations and Hollywood has some good examples of hotspots to check out. Why not try some dark underground techno clubs as seen in the Blade Trilogy? They come complete with gothic EDM and a sprinkler system full of blood!

 

Music too loud for your ears? There are more sophisticated hangouts for the classier minded Vampire too. The movie adaptation of Anne Rice’s Interview With The Vampire contained some examples of vamps known for their appreciation of a posh lifestyle. It also starred a young Kirsten Dunst who overshadowed the efforts of Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise (even after she was turned to ashes). These stars were spotted at classy parties and eating fine foods, before dining on their fine guests. So make sure to investigate your local five-star bistro… but hold the garlic. Whether dancing or dining, vampires all share a common thirst for blood. So if all else fails check your local blood bank.

Most crucial is your ability to recognize a vampire when you see one. Legend has it their bodies and behaviour exhibit telltale signs. Their eyes will have dark rings around the iris and their fingernails will be clear as glass, but very strong. Your cellphone and other electronics will malfunction around them, and their home will feel cold and menacing. If you happen to be sleeping next to one their heart-rate will match your own and it will feel like they are always staring at you.

Bram Stoker’s literary classic Dracula (1897) laid the foundation for the vampires characteristics we know today. Including the ability to shape-shift between a bat, wolf or even mist, and the lack of a reflection in mirrors. The 1922 cinema masterpiece Nosferatu followed suit, but introduced its own elements. This silent film struck fear into the hearts of moviegoers and was the first instance in which a vampire was destroyed by the sun.

So ignore what Twilight taught you…vampires are not day walkers and they certainly never “shimmer”. Lets say you get your wish and Dracula himself appears in your room and sinks his fangs deep into your neck. The DNA in his saliva passes you a retrovirus similar to what causes “Zombification” without all the nasty decay. You drop lifeless to the ground but wake up rejuvenated and sporting a fresh set of fangs. Cool. You are now part of the club! Just because you were bitten does not guarantee a social life though and vampires are a picky bunch. So our last piece of advice is to “look the part” and “embrace the dark”. Immediately avoid the sun at all costs. No healthy tan or Vitamin D you beach bums. It’s crucial to lurk indoors and only come out at dusk. Dress in black and ditch those Ray-Bans; your world shall be consumed by shadows.

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